prophecy1821

Trying to sort shit out after the move I was throwing stuff away and came across these poems I wrote last year...it's probably better if you just stop reading now. This is what happens on slow days at work. *DISCLAIMER* These poems are old and in no way happen to reflect current feelings toward anyone or anything.

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Once I went a-wandering in wooded land so wild
A silent calling bid me forth like the Siren's song
It bid me seek the faerie folk I met when but a child
And so my footsteps carried me, dragging me along

Gold and green the summer was 'neath the boughs so high
Suspended motes of faerie dust hung waiting in the air

Gloaming time had passed me by in shades of deeping blue
Twilight fell and gathered darkness o'er the land
Shadows lengthened, grew together to a blacker hue

Silv'ry mists swirled in he dappled light the moon had thrown
Scattered through leaves an unknown pattern onto the ground
Wisp of wind so soft barely felt, gentle moan

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Mind ablaze with thoughts.
Searing white hot flashes, they burn.
Nothing puts them out.

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Fog. Obscuring. Turning what's known ino a world of twilight.
There is a magic in it. You can feel it.
Not good...nor evil, but powerful and old. Cold.
Eddies in the wake of movement give shap to the invisible. Swirls 'round footsteps.
A dull glow. From the moon? From everywhere. From nowhere.
Objects blur, fade out of sight. Out of reality.
More come...coalesce...something. Where nothing was before.
Feel it.
Let it swallow you.
Are you there?

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To live I don't need to feel the warm rain on my face.
I don't need to feel the cool wind in my hair.
I don't need to see the smile on the face of a child.
Nor hear their laughter.

I don't need any of these things to live.
I don't need friends.
I don't need family.
I don't need love.
I don't need you.

I don't need to walk barefoot on the grass,
or on the beach with the sand between my toes.
I don't need to watch a million sparkling fireflies
make magic in the dimming light.
I don't need to count the endless stars
winking in the black of night.

I don't need to.
I don't need you.

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Alright...so enough of that crap...

Apparently God slipped up and let me get too happy for a while. He has rectified the situation.

New Year's Eve was a blast, even though no kissing to speak of. Jell-O shots are God's gift to partiers. We pretty much sang Karaoke Revolution for hours, totally missed the ball drop by about half a second (oh well, I don't think anybody really cared) did our toast and went right back to singing. Paul and Amanda were great hosts once again...everybody had fun!

I had a little fling going that I think is now over. It was fun while it lasted, but a little hard on the mind. It made me look at myself quite differently. I'm certainly not sad, perhaps a little wistful, but maybe even glad that it's over and I can get back to my normal lonely status.

Back to school in a week. For those of you who don't know, I don't really go to school all the time. It's sorta on a semester by semester basis, a lot depending on whether I have enough money or enough inclination. Last semester...off...this semester...on. I'm looking forward to it. Digital Design, Comparative Religion, and a philosophy class I can't remember at the moment.

Eric is back (as most of you know) and *very* soon (GOD I HOPE) we will be getting a house, it may even be a bit bigger then we had anticipated needing. With me, my brother, Eric, my brother's friend Jason and perhaps even Matt Fenstemaker all looking for somewhere to live. We probably won't all end up there, but I hope everything works out and whoever wants to gets it soon.

I suppose that's all for a while. Sorry I have no song lyrics (I'm a rebel!)

Han Solo....Hell Yeah.

Han Solo You scored 37% airiness, 47% squishiness, and 15% edginess!

According to our patented JawamaticTM technology, you are most like Han Solo in personality. Han Solo is down-to-earth and improvisational, cool-headed and cynical. Appeals to emotion rarely sway him, but as he matured throughout the saga, he let his less-well-developed compassionate side show occasionally. Solo is, in a word, cool. (The polar opposite of Han Solo is Princess Leia Organa.) The eight profiles are as follows: Han Solo Yoda Chewbacca Threepio Artoo Darth Vader Luke Skywalker Princess Leia

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 26% on airiness You scored higher than 48% on squishiness You scored higher than 7% on edginess

Link: The Star Wars Personality Test written by MiguelSanchez on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Lack of updates on my part...it's kinda been hard to get past my laziness lately, besides there's really not much going on...still languishing at the parents....though one of the apartments actually called me back today to say they were processing out application. Only 3 weeks later...sweet. Eric will be back soon and we're gonna look into getting a house. We'll have freakin' foosball and airhockey...it's gonna be the shit. Christmas was good, hope it was good for everyone else. I got a couple of nice dress shirts from people, I'll be pimpin' it in the new year. Speaking of New Year....I'm looking forward to the New Years party, Eric will be back and everything will be alright in the world. No one to kiss this New Years Eve....least....not at the party, but oh well.... Alright...I'll try to update a little more often, if anything interesting comes up. I have a boring life....

...and to all a good night!

Being shy, anti-social and generally hating people isn't really the best way to attract members of the opposite sex. How ironic that I would be someone who is as emotionally and physically need as I am. The loneliness has been especially sharp lately...moving away from the few friends that I saw on a fairly regular basis I'm sure didn't help. I know that some of you who read this will say "oh don't feel bad, we're your friends, you know we're there for you" and I know that and appreciate it...thanks guys. It's just I need someone to hang out with. I feel like I'm alienating my friends somehow...maybe they're all just busy with their own lives. I don't know.... And with the lack of friends around, when most of them have significant others, a lot of them married already...(god I'm getting old) it makes my lack of felt that much more. Oh well, I guess that's enough bitching for now...thanks for listening, it's more just for my own getting it out than anything else I guess.

p.s. The foot is feeling a lot better, at least I'm walking without crutches now and can get my own food and stuff. :)

So...I fucked up my foot at the Corportate Christmas Party. I'm on crutches for a while and have to wear a splint. Apparently I tore some ligaments....no good. Got prescribed 800mg Ibuprofin and Vicadin...yummy. Hopefully I won't be down for too long....it already sucks and it's only been a few hours....

Well well...it's been awhile hasn't it? To those of you who actually read this (I'm told that a few of you do) I'm sorry it's been so long. I've been lazy, and circumstances haven't allowed for a lot of internet time lately...and well, I just haven't felt like writing much...

This is close enough to my one year anniversery of having this livejournal, and another Thanksgiving is upon us. So what do I have to be thankful for this year? Some things have changed...some haven't. Still thankful for having a decent job, a roof over my head (though it's not my own), a loving family and wonderful friends. Mostly though, I'm thankful for getting to live my life, with everything that entails...joys and heartaches.

I've moved out of Jeff's in Kalamazoo and am going to be living in Hastings for a while. Right now I'm at my parents (*sigh*) until I can find an apartment with my brother. Eventually (read "probably never") my parent's will move out of their house and I'll be renting it from them, but who knows when *that* will happen.

Not much else in big news besides that. Going to Chicago (actually Brookfield, but close enough) to visit Mom's family for Thanksgiving. Looking forward to it. My Uncle is a phenominal cook, and hopefully we'll get a chance to get into the City.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone! Eat that turkey!

ISFP - the Composer You scored 9% I to E, 63% N to S, 38% F to T, and 68% J to P!

Your type is best described by the single word "composer", which belongs to the larger group, experiencers. You are very in touch with the physical world, and have an eye for detail. You are likely to be very artistic in some form or another. You don't wish to lead at all. Your attitude is very much "live and let live" to the point that others may have accused you of having no opinions or ambitions. You share your personality type with 10% of the population. As a romantic partner, you are nuturing and supportive, often putting your partner's needs before your own. You struggle when you feel anger or resentment, because the last thing you want to do is engage in confrontation. You need patience, support, and encouragement to discuss problems in constructive ways (as opposed to not at all.) You want a deep and intimate connection with your partner. You feel most appreciated when your partner is grateful for your thoughtfulness and willingness to help. You most want your partner to reciprocate with spontaneous thoughtful acts to show you how important you are to them. Your group summary: experiencers (SP) Your Type Summary: ISFP

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 10% on I to E You scored higher than 82% on N to S You scored higher than 34% on F to T You scored higher than 76% on J to P

Link: The LONG Scientific Personality Test written by unpretentious2 on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

So I went to Alex's Band's Halloween Party last night, had a lot of fun, even though I just pretty much ended up working the door with Lindsey. Got lots of compliments for my Pirate Costume. (I'll have to dress up again and get pictures...it was really good.) Especially from one drunk girl who insisted on wearing different pieces of it at various times. The highlight of the evening, however, was the Bass Player's "little" brother, all about 300 pounds of him, getting wasted and *super* belligirent and starting a fight (at least outside), and because I was at the door I thought it wise to go and try to calm these people down (the other guy was drunk and of course wanted to fight back), so I handed Lindsey my sword (didn't want drunk people getting ahold of *that*, it's a real sword) and went outside and proceeded to get in between to large men who *really* didn't want me there. Jesse, the bigger, more angry guy who was starting stuff proceeded to grab me by the throat (not quite choking me, but hard enough so that I didn't want to see him try) and threaten to kill me if I didn't let him fight this other guy. So I'm doing my best to not die while also trying to calm *him* and the other guy down (had a lot more luck with the other guy, but only after a while) and so Jesse is now acting up against the management of the place and other guys out there helping, and by this time there's enough guys out there that Alex is there, who knew him, and management of the bar and they told us all to go inside, and I was only too happy to. Twas quite fun! :)

So Crystal's wedding was fun. Got to see my Scott! :) Also I don't like how everyone is growing up. I miss being kids. *sigh*

I am sick...for like the 4th time this year. Fuckin' sick. Lots of OJ, Honey Tea, Apples and Chicken Soup for Steve.

So this morning I got up and was making my tea, saw the mailman come, go out and check it...got something from the Michigan Treasury....figure it's some sort of weird early tax thing. No, turns out I was assesed a "Driver Responsibility Fee" for having over 7 points on my license. My last ticket was early this summer...how come it took them this long to figure this shit out? Also, apparently the money I payed every time I *got* ticket...not enough for greedy Michigan. Fuckers. And the date of assesment....10/21/05 That's TOMORROW! I was assesed...IN THE FUTURE! WTF?

Things...are looking up. :) I went bowling last Thursday to make up for my missing on Monday, and got a shitload of Jell-O Shots (dollar a piece baby! and everybody bought a round). Turns out after much trying with Windows not liking my hard drive, Linux, the OS God, took pity on it and decided it was cool and able to recognize the drive and copy shit off (albeit very slowly, it's still copying since last night, and probably won't be done until at *least* tomorrow). Hopefully the parents will be moving soon and I will take over the house, I'm looking quite forward to that...even if it does meaning living with Michael. ;) In fact actually, I'll be living with him either way probably, I think it's back to Hastings with me at least for a while....*sigh* I'll miss the 'zoo though.

Also...went to Lansing today for a meeting on all our cleaning stuff for work, it was actually more informative and better than I thought it would be...though everyone else got to have their Manager there....but Courtney isn't back from Maternity Leave quite yet, so I didn't get one...*sad*. After the meeting I went to the Library of Michigan and did some genealogy research and made quite a breakthrough...got through a brickwall I've had almost since I started 10 years ago.

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Seriously, check it out...muck around a bit. www.iguanafish.net/wiki

So yesterday I got home from work and did my usual morning thing on my computer, read email, webcomics while eating a bowl of Cap'n and so on....I go and open Limewire and the computer freezes....something my computer *rarely* does, cause I keep it nice and clean. So I restart, the thing does a disk check and comes up with a bunch of bad sectors, when it finally boots up again it runs super slow and choppy...so I'm restarting and running disk check and trying to fix this shit for a while until I give up and delcare it Jeff-worthy....then I head to bed...this is around 1pm...around 3pm I get a call from Johanna asking if I can come to work early tonight around 11:30 or so....now Monday nights are my bowling night, where I like to go bowling and get drunk with my friends and let off the stress of the week, not to mention that perhaps Beth, whom Lindsey brought last week and whom I'd like to get to know a little better, the first like that in a while now, would be coming. But no...I have to go to work. So now I'm up cause of the phone, I wait till Jeff comes home, kinda foolin' around with my box until I just take the hard drive with the problems out. The hard drive with the operating system on it is fine, so my computer runs....but the hard drive with all my *data* on it is the problem. It's got all my stuff from the last 7 years or so, mp3s, all my pictures, my web design stuff, any document I've ever made, programs I've downloaded...all the important stuff. My last backup was Feb of '03... So when Jeff gets home I have him take a look at it, after a while he pronounces it dead, with a slim chance that if I leave it unhooked until I get a new drive to copy stuff to, it *may* work (about 25% chance he said) long enough to save all the files. Then, when I went to give him rent money for October....he went ahead and told me I didn't need to, because I'll be having to move out soon. For personal reasons of Jeff's and to make sure we stay friends he thought it would be best. I know exactly where he's coming from and understand his reasons and really want to keep his friendship so I guess I'm outta here...soon. Not my best day ever...

This weekend was the annual Cub Scout Day Hike, where the boy scout troop of Hastings sets up a hike for regional cub scout packs with informative teaching stations along the way. With preparation, setup, the event and take-down, it lasts all weekend and a lot of the volunteers will camp there. I got involved through my friend Jason back in High School since it's run on his property and have been a volunteer almost every year since then. It's one of my favorite times all year, beats Christmas hands down, I absolutely love being out there, being outside with nature, and enjoying the spectacular food, and being with people who love me and have made me a part of their family, and getting to share it with my real family now that my little brother is a scout and is their helping, along with my parents.

Standing outside in a light rain on a crisp fall night is absolutely wonderful.

I am back from California. I am never helping anyone move out there again. Any "vacations" I take will be vacations.

Eric's farewell party was great (thanks Amanda!) I ended up drinking way more than I should have and therefore was probably quite inappropriate for an unknown length of time. I apologize to those of you that I either a.) scared the crap out of b.) whined to or c.) made inappropriate comments to....

Tonight I'm having dinner with my roommates recent ex-girlfriend....it's weirding me out a whole lot...I'm not sure what her intentions are.

Tomorrow I leave for California (only on vacation...for now) I'd like to think that I'd be missed if I didn't come back, and I know a few people would, but I'm not sure about the one that counts (not that the rest of you don't count, but you know what I mean). Certainly others would be missed more, sadly. Enough of that though....tomorrow I'm off and vacation, roadtrip of a lifetime. The computer will be off while I'm gone and I'm not answering my phone, *especially* not for work (okay, maybe I'll answer my phone....if I like you, but definitely no work related calls). Alright. Back to packing...see you all when I get back. (all one of you who will read this....Cat....)

I'm fast running out of friends, not that they aren't my friends anymore, but that I don't see them, either they've moved, or are moving, or are in relationships....no one has time for Steve anymore and it just hit me last week that two of the ones I spent the most time with will be leaving at the same time and I'll basically have no one left. Certainly no one at work. I've been in a shitty mood for a week and half now, depressed, feeling ignored, unloved, unimportant. No one bothers to call me when they're doing anything or call me at all really. I hate being like this and I know I shouldn't be, cause the truth is I do have friends who love me....just every once in a while I get this way and I'm not really sure why. Sorry about the pity party, to the two of you who actually read this....this one is more just for me I guess. I'm gonna go sulk and brood now and be depressed.